i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
