I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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