We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
