Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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