Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
