Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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