is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
