There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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