I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My vagina is officially offended.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
