i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
