sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
