did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
