I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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