Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
barbara walters just said penis...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
