So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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