My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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