Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Who died my cat blue again?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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