I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Fuck appropriateness.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
