I think I won the penis lottery.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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