matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
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