She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
