Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
