Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It's blow job season.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
