Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
