My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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