did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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