I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
