Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
