I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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