i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
