Someone shit on the floor
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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