Just took my morning after pill in the library
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
