I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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