We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
