I just threw up on my dentist
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
