I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
