i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She even gives head with a lisp.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
its liver damage thursday
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
