I looked at my own cervix.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
