I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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