Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
