1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
