i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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