What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
