I'm really into asian looking animals
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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