Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
