And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
