I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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