I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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