Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Is Oprah even human
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
