oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
