you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize