he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
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I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
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WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant