Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
