Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I did not marry a roomba.
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