; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
