i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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