I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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