if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
