remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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