if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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