I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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