I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
