im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
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