im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
